Not Just Living, but Alive.

It’s been awhile, folks.  6 months later, I’m back. And I’m doing good.

We moved back in November. Love my new home! I’ve already been painting and re-doing some stuff. So much more is planned! The husband and I are doing good as is the kiddo.

I quit smoking again. Its been about a month. I also quit drinking soda and sweet tea, again. That was after I gained pretty much all of my weight back. (Here’s looking at you 208 pounds!) Weirdly though, my fat % has never been lower.

I’m back running (well, for me, it is more of a walk/walk/jog), but I’m trying. I’m working out. I’m counting calories. I’m really trying to get into this ketogenic/Atkins way of life thing.

And I think about our baby every day. I’m thankful for the little life that blessed me and will forever leave an impact on my life. I still have my down moments, such as the other day when a coworker brought her baby to work. A baby that was only a month less than our baby would have been. I cried in the parking lot. But, at least I know that our baby knows that we never forget.

sometimes, it is only the memories you have.

till next time.

Getting My Groove Back

A co-worker made the statement Friday that I seemed to be getting my groove back. I laughed and replied, “Only on Fridays!” But, it is true. I’m getting me back. That doesn’t mean that I don’t remember my loss or still feel sad. I do. But, life does go on. And knowing how quickly things can occur, I don’t want to miss any of life’s blessings.

I stopped smoking for a couple of days, but started back. I’m going to be ready someday soon to put them down. I have started back drinking water. Only a bottle a day, but it’s a start. I have researching the ketogenic diet and I think I may dabble a bit in it. I eat entirely too many carbs and find my energy level suffers for it. I’m such a picky eater to begin with, so I’m trying to figure out what I can substitute that I will actually eat. So far, I can handle bacon and eggs for breakfast. I have even started drinking coffee with heavy whipping cream in it. I eat beef jerky and lots of meats. It is just figuring out what I can replace one of my favorite foods, potatoes, with. Suggestions?

On another note, we closed on our house and will be moving in a month. I’m excited for a new project. There will be painting and flooring to do. There is just so many possibilities! Hopefully, we will be able to sell our now home and purchase another vehicle.

It is ironic; in that, all the things I worried about when I found out I was pregnant (needing a bigger home, bigger vehicle, who would watch my child) seems to be falling in place now that I am not pregnant. My mother has about decided on retiring in two years, so she says that if when we are blessed enough to have another child, she will baby-sit.

God has a bigger plan and I truly believe that.

Blessings

It’s been a rough month. But, I am surviving. And I am finding the blessings in the sadness. I know that sounds crazy, but I am an optimistic person by nature. The devil definitely tested my optimism and faith, but it didn’t fail. I didn’t fail.

My one-month anniversary of losing the baby came and went. I went to work, did my normal household duties, and cried tears that night. But, you know what…I’m a survivor. I made the best choice I could for me, the baby, and my family with the options given. My baby did not suffer. I only wish I could know if the baby was a he or she.

So, what are the blessings? I’m learning that I have no control over a lot of things. To take life day by day and find the good in each day even when it has its crappy moments. My husband and I entered marriage counseling. We are learning to communicate better, Even he surprised me when the counselor asked our purpose there. My husband stated that we loved each other without a doubt and he knew that no relationship or marriage would ever be better than the one he has now. I knew that, but I wasn’t sure he did. Blessings.

We were approached with buying a family member’s home two weeks after losing the baby. The irony is that I knew we would need a bigger house with the baby; only to be given that opportunity after losing the baby. But again, blessings. So, we are proceeding forward with that.

My mother-in-law and mother have both had to have surgery which, while procedures are not over with, they have both come through remarkably. Losing the baby made me realize how much I needed them both. My stepdad (in truth, my daddy) and I have grown closer. Blessings.

My health suffered this month. I haven’t cared too much about what I’ve ate or drank. I’ve barely touched water. And, sadly, I started back smoking after quitting for over a year. But, blessings. What blessings, you may ask? I’m not there yet, but I will be. I will find my groove again. But, you can’t rush things. Some blessings are just realized later on.

The blessing being that somethings are just on God’s time.

an optimistic me.

Loss of a Miracle

I went to the specialist yesterday with my husband, mom, and dad. The trip up there didn’t seem too long. We even laughed and joked. There was a lot of hope in that car. The office wasn’t too difficult to find. Before I knew it, the paperwork was filled out and we were sitting in a small room to complete a sonogram. The sonogram was performed by a very nice lady, attentive and talkative. She explained everything to us as she took pictures.

No kidneys. No bladder. No renal artery.

Baby has a heartbeat and is growing but it is because it is attached to me. It will not be viable outside of my body. The doctor came in and said that we had three choices at this point. I can attempt to go full-term, deliver a shell of a baby, and bury it. There is a chance though that the baby will not even make full-term even attached to me. I can induce labor and bury my baby. Or I could chose to have a D&E within the next week or so.

I’m sorry for all of you who may judge me for this, but it won’t change my decision. I cannot deliver a shell of a baby and bury it. It may not even look like a baby, so there wouldn’t even be a little body for me to hold and weep over. I just can’t. I chose the D&E. I’d like at least the remains to go for medical research. If I can’t save my baby, at least, I would like to be able to save someone else’s.

And how crazy is this? Insurance will pay for me to go full-term and possibly put my life at danger if complications arise, but they will not pay for a D&E. Not only do I lose my baby, but I have to drive 6 hours away to have the procedure and pay $2000 out-of-pocket for it. Plus, the money for gas, food, and a hotel room since it is a two-day procedure.

I hate government laws. I wished for this baby, prayed for this baby, and this wasn’t a decision I wanted to make. And then, to treat me no better than the common girl who has a healthy baby that for whatever reasons has chosen to terminate is bullshit. My baby is not viable. If there was any chance it was, I wouldn’t be doing this. But, everyone realizes that no human can survive without major organs. No kidneys, no bladder, the lung development is impacted by the lack of amniotic fluid…There is no hope there.

I am proud of my husband since he has stuck by me. He has let me cry and cry. Promised to try again which I’m nowhere even near that point of thinking about it. He asked the doctor if this was genetic and what were the chances of it occurring again? The doctor said he didn’t believe it was genetic. It was just a fluke thing that occurred where maybe something blocked the kidneys from developing. And as far as subsequent pregnancies, lightning generally doesn’t strike twice. We are heartbroken together though. Everything happens for a reason. Is the reason for this to push us back together or the final split? Only time will tell.

There are no words for how sad and empty I feel. Logically, I get the medical stuff. I know this isn’t the end of the world. But, emotionally? I can’t get a grasp. Everything had revolved around this baby. Decisions, purchases, maternity leave stuff, how to breastfeed…Now? What was my life like before? I remember going to the gym and focusing on being healthy, but was that it? What did I find enjoyment in? I don’t have a clue. I don’t know if I can do it all again.

Please pray for me.

Update 20 Weeks

Anatomy scan happened yesterday.

It was 30 minutes after my appointment when I was finally called back. The sonographer gelled me up and began the scan. Within a minute, she left the room to get the doctor. I sat there looking at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity.

When the doctor returned, they continued the scan. And then the news…

I have barely any amniotic fluid. They couldn’t find the baby’s kidneys or bladder. Baby does have a heartbeat and is growing on track, but that doesn’t mean it will continue to be viable. I am going to have to go to a specialist in a town two hours away on Friday. I’m scared. I don’t even know if it is a he or she. I don’t know financially how I will do it. But, I will.

My husband was there for me. I know he loves me. I don’t know if he has continued on with his friend. Bigger things to worry at the minute. I hate friends.

But, I am so mad. Why bring me through infidelity and infertility only to snatch both dreams within a week? Why? I don’t understand and I am so mad. I don’t cheat, I don’t steal, I try to treat everyone as good as I can. I hear how strong of a woman I am and how any less of one would of left my husband years ago during the infidelity. But, I didn’t. I knew it wasn’t him or his character, just actions. I have had three great years with him  and felt like God had finally answered my prayers. And, then, my miracle baby.

I may not have a husband or a baby a month from now.

I just don’t know. And I’m so mad. Sad. Hurt. Empty.

Please. Even if you are not a spiritual person, please send up prayers for me. I don’t know if mine are worth anything anymore, so let’s try yours.

Just please.

20 Weeks

20 Weeks. The halfway mark. Wow. It is very surreal. I go tomorrow for the anatomy scan and find out the gender. I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but now I do.

It has been a very long week. I’ve debated about writing about this, but I feel the need to. I need to vent.

These last couple of months have been stressful between being the morning sickness and a financial stress. My husband owns his own business and while he makes good money, we had more going out than in. So, it was tense. But, nothing terrible, I thought. Then, my job switch. More stress on me. I thought, “What more can I take?” Just so you know, that is a terrible question to ask.

My husband came to me last Monday and stated that he wanted to leave. He was unhappy, scared about the pregnancy, and needed a break. Needless to say, that is not what a pregnant wife wants to hear.

And then, it went one step further. I found out he has a “friend” that he has been confiding in. This is a single woman that I do not know (even though I know her family). He had been talking to her about our marital issues. I wasn’t aware we had any beyond being stressed regarding finances/pregnancy. I was not happy. He went looking for “a neutral opinion.” How neutral is it when she doesn’t know me and doesn’t know our history? To top it off, he slept on her couch Monday night.

Sounds terrible, I know. If you’ve been around long enough, you know that my husband committed infidelity. He did so for a number of years before we married and right after we married. Yes, I probably shouldn’t have married him, but I truly believed his actions did not reflect his character.

Fast forward to the last three years where we have been doing wonderfully. No infidelity, no “friends”, zip. I was so proud. I survived infidelity and then, bam! Pregnant. I survived infertility. I felt that God had answered my prayers.

I guess I should of asked Him for a detailed synopsis of what would occur, because this is not what I expected.

I finally communicated with my husband our concerns and stated clearly that to work on our marriage, his friendship with the “friend” had to cease. It hasn’t. He stopped by her mom’s house tonite.

I’ve actually talked to her and both swear it was a platonic friendship. But, I’m not okay with it. She knew my marriage problems before me. She continued to speak to my husband after her and I had a nice woman-to-woman chat. My husband states that I am not going to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. I’m just not okay with having friends who are not friends of our marriage especially after surviving infidelity. I don’t think it is okay to spend time and effort texting and talking to your “friend” rather than your wife. Am I wrong in this?

Of course, there is more detail to this sad detail, but it sounds like a soap opera and I didn’t want to quite bore you with the story. Just please pray for me.

  • How far along? 20 Weeks
  • Weight gain/loss? Still fluctuating between 187-191
  • How is sleeping? Well…
  • Feeling the baby squirm yet? Not yet
  • Aversions/Cravings?  Not really. Since morning sickness has eased off, I just have to remind myself to eat. 
  • Gender? Find out tomorrow🙂
  • What do you miss?  A calm life.
  • Any stretch marks? nada
  • How is your belly button? Poking out some.
  • Still wearing your rings?    Negative
  • Labor signs?  It’s way too early for that!
  • Upcoming appointments?   Tomorrow!
  • How is your mood?  Sad
  • What are you looking forward to? Tomorrow

a devastated me.

Chh Chh Changes…

Very rarely do I mention work-related stuff. I mean, you might have some idea of what I do, but for the most part, I like to remain anonymous. I’m going to mention work for a minute though.

As you well know, I am almost halfway through my pregnancy. I go back to work Monday. I prepared well in advance for the next year even as far as my maternity leave.

Then, the good Lord laughed and said, “Watch this!”

I just found out that I have been moved from my position to a position I know nothing about. In addition, I will be mentoring two other new hires that also know nothing.

All my hard work and preplanning? Out the window!

New position. First pregnancy/newborn/maternity leave. Whoa.

Bless. That is all I can say. Bless.

overwhelmed me.

17 Weeks

  • Morning sickness has finally eased off. Now, I just tire easily.
  • Taking prenatal vitamins as I remember. Day, Night, Whatever…
  • Weight fluctuating between 188- 191
  • No bump. Still just fat. Possibly bloating more.
  • Did Round 2 of genetic testing today.
  • Ended up with a yeast infection from the medication they gave me. What fun.
  • Not feeling sex. or sexy. But, I still like looking at my husband.
  • Heartbeat was 160 today. Down from 164 at 15 weeks. Down from 177 at 12 weeks.
  • General itchiness all over.

I stole borrowed this cute little question & answer thingie from another blog to use. Can’t remember the blog or I would link it.

How far along? 17 Weeks & some change

Weight gain/loss? Still fluctuating between 188-191

How is sleeping? Waking up to pee. Vivid dreams. Yeast infection has driven me crazy!

Feeling the baby squirm yet? Not yet

Aversions/Cravings?  Not really. Since morning sickness has eased off, I just have to remind myself to eat. 

Gender? Undetermined until August (if I decide to find out then)

What do you miss?  Going to Zumba, having more energy.

Any stretch marks? nada

How is your belly button? same as always

Still wearing your rings?     Yes

Labor signs?  It’s way too early for that!

Upcoming appointments?   August 11th is THE sonogram

How is your mood?  Fluctuates

What are you looking forward to?  Actually wanting to eat something.